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August 3rd, 2009

01:48 am - out of here so im in NY... getting away from you and her and the bullshit. then im off to Europe for two months. im going to see the world and hopefully when i come home i wont care about the petty shit that you pulled. whatever. im living for ME now. and im over the bullshit from everyone. i can be a friend and whatever but if you start ANYTHING with me, we are done. no ifs ands or buts. so dont talk shit, dont cause drama, and just be cool k? thanks bye kids Current Mood: cant sleep

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October 27th, 2008

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September 17th, 2008

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September 16th, 2008

03:28 pm - fuck it i'm so tired of trying to be an adult. i just want to say fuck it and not care about my weight or my hair or my grades or my work... life was fucking easy when i was a screw up. i never had to worry about anything. everyone worried for me. i work until 5, go to class until 930, and on the days that i am not at school, i'm at the gym because i'm a fat ass and im tired of it. but you know what? it really doesnt seem worth it at all because now i might be on the track to looking good on paper, but i'm miserable. I have no time to just be. every single second of every single day is already accounted for. the only time i even see my boyfriend is when were on our way to bed. the only time i see my friends is on the weekend, which i shouldnt be doing because i need to be studying for school. on another note, i hate drugs, and i wish i wasnt a stupid fucking drug addict/alcoholic. i want to be happy sober, and i want to have friends who can be happy sober. i'm starting to think that i'll never get away from this cycle of things. sure, im not fucked up everyday but my only time for myself, i can guarentee that i'll be messed up. i dont want to live like this. the other day, a kid in my class asked me what meth was like, and i was shocked that someone had never done drugs in their life. thats a pretty sad realization. i dont know anymore. i really thought doing all these things for myself would make me happy. i really thought it would make me feel better. i really thought i was doing the right thing? why is it that the right thing is always so fucking hard? it really just doesnt seem worth it... theres my little rant for the day. i dont care if it made sense. and i really dont want you to comment on this because its not for you... i'm just trying to make sense of anything happening in my head right now. Current Mood: confused

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September 3rd, 2008

11:14 am - alcohol i have come to the conclusion that i am an alcoholic Hi, my name is Mary and I am an alcoholic-addict... fuck me, this sucks Current Mood: guilty

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August 27th, 2008

12:15 pm - YAY no smoking is a success... although i found it almost impossible on sunday when i was intoxicated, so for now, i'm going to try and not drink. which is probably smart considering i do very very stupid things when i drink. and i almost always end up puking or blacking out because i dont know when to say when. i really really enjoy smoking *not cigs* at the moment. i'm really glad that ty and i get to do that sometimes. but we cant do it all the time because of who we live with. i think thats great because then i wont spend too much money on it and i still get to enjoy it. le sigh. now all i need is a vap so the smoke wont hurt my new baby lungs haha. seriously, i went to smoke and i took a hit and almost threw up i was coughing so hard, and that was only like 4 days after no cigs lol whatever. i'm feeling good. i have a lot more energy lately and i'm excited about this new outlook. its not going to be easy, but i think i might be up for it. i'm going to Nocturnal, and everyone else should go too because its going to be fun, but i have nothing to wear, so i'm worried i wont be able to find anything... la la la i need a new laptop and a new phone... i'm off to verizon <3 Current Mood: energetic

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August 22nd, 2008

01:27 pm - day 4 soooooo since I quit smoking, day 1 was easy. day 2 was hard and VERY emotional. day 3 easy. and today, day 4 is pretty hard. i'm at work and i've already cried twice. my back is super tense and i keep getting headaches. i've been going to the chiropractor twice a week (soon to be once) and getting massages once-twice a month, and today, for the very first time, i am going to get acupuncture done. i'm a little nervous, but everyone i've talked to who's done it, says that its amazing and very relaxing. which is what i need right now. sometimes i feel SO good about everything that i'm doing, and other times i'm so overcome by self-doubt that i just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. i'm so frustrated at myself for not being in complete control of my emotions. ugh i cant type, i've gotta get back to work :( later kids, wish me luck Current Mood: weird

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August 19th, 2008

12:02 pm - i quit smoking... i'm going to stop cold turkey and never look back this better be the last time i say this. i'm really trying hard. i heard the first week is the hardest and it just gets easier. well, i'm on day 1. but i'm doing ok. i'm just trying to take deep breaths and drink lots and lots of water. imagine how much fucking money i can save by quitting!!! not to mention the OBVIOUS 1. no more health problems from smoking 2. less of a chance to get certain cancers from smoking 3. less aging 4. better skin and teeth 5. no more stinky clothing i'm excited and really scared all at the same time. i really really like smoking. but i know this is what i need to do because it will only get harder. i hope i can make it! GOT ANY TRICKS ANYONE!? after this, i'm thinking about taking the money i would be spending on cigs and getting a gym membership. maybe save up for a personal trainer to get me back into shape... hmm... i dont know Current Mood: nervous

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July 8th, 2008

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01:58 pm - I QUIT i'm so over drama and bullshit and dumb fucking people!!! i'm over it all i just want to find people who are genuine and nice and... dont think everyone is talking shit or trying to get something from them i want things to be ok i want people to stop thinking that I am a bad person... i want people to stop blaming me for shit that isnt my fault. i want to be taken seriously. i want my past to go away because I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE!!! i dont want to have to defend myself at every turn i dont want stupid people trying to bring me down i dont want any of it anymore i'm so tired and just want to break down i'm being so strong for myself lately... and i dont want to be right now. i want to cry REALLY hard and go to bed and wake up to a NEW DAY and have all the bullshit go away i want to eliminate people from my life who are TOXIC to me and my loved ones fuck this i'm so ready to walk out on everything right now and start over i'm just exhausted trying to turn over a new leaf. everyones got baggage but i'm DIFFERENT. i've CHANGED. i'm doing the best i can to be the best person i can, and its never good enough i'm always the bitch, i'm always trying to hurt someone or take advantage of someone. no one EVER notices the good things... just the bad. i'm tired of getting walked over and i'm tired of having to bite my tongue no one is the boss of me no one should have to walk on egg shells because of anyone else fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck yup FUCK Current Mood: confused, hurt, angry, anxious

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June 30th, 2008

03:17 pm - raverday pics ^^ i look upset in this one, but i'm totally not. tiggers little raver crew was taking pics and i didnt know who the fuck this girl was so i didnt smile lol EDC, WOOT!, other pics to come :) Current Mood: bored

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June 20th, 2008

10:17 am - fucking shit so over today glad its friday hate my job and my coworker. hes a piece of shit and i want to kick him in the vagina as hard as i possibly can and then take a dump on him while hes on the ground in pain. and then maybe break his kneecaps just for good measure. i'm sure that those feelings above will pass, but for now i'm going to be angry EDIT:: i just found out that my coworker is leaving at 2 to try and make it so that i have to work extra hard the rest of the day. and he as he sent the email he fucking started doing this creepy guy "i rape kids" kinda laugh as if to say "i'm leaving early to fucking spite you" if that makes any sense. either way hes a loser and i hate him, but i'm glad i dont have to deal with him all day EDC is a week away and i'm more excited than words can describe. this party is going to be fucking insanity. i'm going to look fucking hot, and thats that. WOOT is sunday, and i'm stoked to get to see the SD day scene in action. theres a lot of cool people going, and i'm going to be bringing my shit to make candy for EDC i'm super fucking broke at the moment which is lame, but its cool because the reason i'm broke is because i'm helping a friend get into EDC, so it was for a good cause. my left eye is twitching and it has been all day and its starting to get really annoying. i want to fucking smoke a bowl and lay around in my pjs right now ty started his new job. after work we both make our ways to Old Town and then ride home together. i love that ride back to the house. its nice to have that time to catch up on our days and wind down. its nice that i have to pick him up because now i cant leave early from work and i can save up my vacation time. it also blows because of that same reason. somedays i just need to get the fuck out of here. because i hate it here. whatever, its a job. blah blah blah blah blah blah i am now trying to waste time so i dont have to work and the people around me think that i'm writing an email or something i guess i'll get back to work <3 Current Mood: OVER IT

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June 19th, 2008

10:30 am - first day so my first day of class went well. the teacher is an old surfer guy. hes great. and hes fucking hilarious. class was boring. we just went over the ins and outs of his class and went over the schedule for the rest of the 8 weeks. i have a 3 page paper due in like 2 weeks and i HATE writing papers. its bogus, but i guess thats what school is all about. tests and papers and projects. i LOVE learning and i HATE homework. i figure, you taught me the information and i proved to you that i know it and can use it in the test, so why make me do some bullshit report or project? i get that some people bomb on tests or need extra practice, but thats so not me. ugh i remember why i hate school but i'm trying to stay positive... and just do it. anywho. this weekend ty and i are going to be all over the place. friday night we're driving up to OC to go to Islays summer solstice party and then we're going to drive back down to carlsbad and kick it, and get the rest of our shit packed in my car or packed in his room so that someone can move into my room. then sunday we're going to Tony's day party WOOT! should be fun i've gotta finish my outfit for EDC... its almost there but i just gotta do it. either way i'm at work and i dont want to be yeah <3 Current Mood: jittery

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June 16th, 2008

11:26 am - weekend 1.went to raverday & updated mine and ty's passes!! :) 2. ate a special cookie that seriously kicked my ass hard, but was so freaking delicious. toffee chips and all yuuuuuuuuum 3. packed and moved into our new place 4. i start school on wednesday!! i'm just taking 1 class... human sexual behavior, and i looked up the teacher on ratemyprofessor.com and there's nothing but good comments, sooooo we'll see 5. i'm nervous and excited about school... but the reality that things are changing is finally beginning to set in and i'm getting really bad anxiety. :( 6. i've got a migrain the size of texas right now 7. i'm going to go to the school tonight and pick up my book and take a stroll around campus so i know where the hell i'm going on wednesday, and hopefully find a secure place to park my bike. since i'll only be 1.5 miles from school, i wont have to drive and i can get into shape :) i love change and i hate it all at the same time happy monday kids. i'm off to my chiropractor Current Mood: anxious

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June 11th, 2008

09:30 am - i want... *to go to raverday this saturday (block out day *sniffle*) *to get my 2 tattoos... already planned out, just need the cash *to finish my outfit 100% and have EDC be here already!!! *for my trip to NY to be extended to more than 5 days *to register for classes and start mentally preparing myself for school *not have to work and go to school (bleck) <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 That is all kids -mary xmas- Current Mood: okay

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May 30th, 2008

10:05 am - g'day everyone so i'm kinda miserable today. work blows. i'm just in a nasty funk. i've got a lot of shit going on in my head, and i'm not sure i want to sort it out. i'm hoping that it will just go away on its own. i'm really unhappy at my job...everything about this place just drives me insane. i think i'm just stressed. i think that i'm just letting these bad feelings get to me when i should be thinking of all the things i do have to be thankful for. i just cant stop feeling like something is majorly wrong. maybe its just my depression kicking in and nothing is actually wrong, and that nagging feeling like something is up is just that, a feeling. so if i stop trying to figure it out, it will just disappear bleh either way, its fucking friday. now if only time would stop messing with my head and this work day would just be over i've got some cool stuff happening this weekend... Luke gets off restriction and were having a get together tonight to celebrate. my sister and a few people are coming with her :) tomorrow we finalize plans with Cheri for our move and tys new job Kats going to come down to kick it with me and smoke and talk and just... hang out. i miss that my mom gets home saturday!!! :) :) :) yeah... things are good Current Mood: cranky

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May 27th, 2008

09:35 am - amazingly confused i'm so happy and so confused and sad about the events of the weekend. the party was a BLAST! it was so fun. i saw a lot of amazing people i havent seen in a long time. i got way super drunkface and stoney face which it always fun. and at the same time my romantic life got a jolt of not so good feelings. i dont really feel like writing all about ty and my personal business but i have to say that i'm really confused about the whole thing. i am still, now, and tuesday, feeling the effects of what went down. but you have to pick your battles and this doesnt sit right with me but i also know that if i decide to talk about it that it will probably go no where. which is frustrating because i still just dont feel right about everything. i'm just icky all over and confused and i'm also excited and happy and ready to move, and start school. oh yeah, ty and i are moving in with his aunt in a couple of weeks so that we can save up money, i can go to school and ty can get a better job making like $12/hr to start at his aunts office. so things are changing and i'm so thankful that things are going well i just hope that some of the things tyler said about me werent how he really feels. im hoping it was just the heat of the moment because i'm pretty screwed up in the head already and if he really meant some of the things he said, it makes me wonder why hes even with me. whatever i might be heading up to OC today to get my tattoos... we'll see if my artist is working. i wish ty had charged his phone because i already called him at work to let him know i might be going up to OC to get my tats and he sounded weird about it, but he asked if i was ok because i sounded weird. i really dont know if things are ok deep down... i hope things are ok, i really do, but i guess we'll see =/ Current Mood: confused

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May 23rd, 2008

04:01 pm - just wondering why... i cant talk to the one person i should talk to about this... i should be able to talk about these really big issues "im fine" "you're fine" and "we're fine" arent good enough. it doesnt make things better. in fact, its almost insulting when i'm trying to be vulnerable and actually get to the bottom of things and fix it sigh i really just want to break down right now... its ok because its friday and a 3 day weekend and i've got too much to do this weekend and too much to be excited about to be upset, right? i'm sure once i see everyone this weekend i'll be fine. my dear friends always put a smile on my face Current Mood: lonely

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02:20 pm - oh and... my teeth are SERIOUSLY fucked up. i knew this before, and i knew it was a matter of time before i had to do something about it, but its starting to get really bad. and i have NO time off from work to go get things taken care of or money to do it i've got about $3,000-4,000 worth of dental work to get done and i'm in a lot of pain at the moment that will only get worse WOOT someone fucking shoot me in the face Current Mood: depressed

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02:12 pm - this little thing called depression so today my depression has officially kicked in. it is in full swing and i just want to break down and cry or scream. i've been in my head a lot because of my depression which is the WORST place i could possibly be. i know this, and yet, i cant stop it. i guess thats why depression is so scary and hard for people who've never felt it to understand. i've been thinking about life and love and... everything. and... and... i'm coming to some realizations that i do not and never did want to come to. hopefully when this all passes those feelings will pass to, but i doubt it. i just want this day at work to be over and i want to go home and be by myself for a little while. maybe i'll go to barnes and noble after work and just sit for a minute or two. all in all, today is a hard day. things have been so much easier i almost forgot that i used to feel like this ALL the time. now i have to remind myself that i dont have to. i have to know that this isnt it, this isnt me, this is depression. this is anxiety. this is scary and lonely... and all i want to do it wallow in it fuck whatever. most of that probably didnt even make sense. despite everything i am looking forward to my bday bbq on sunday. theres a few LJ-ers that are invited so i hope that they come *hint hint* either way, i'm going to go attempt to work and pass the time a little bit faster much love Current Mood: depressed

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